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Last week at a coffee shop, I overheard a conversation that stopped me in my tracks. A woman who looked to be in her sixties was telling her friend, “I spent forty years trying to shrink myself. Now I take up all the space I want.” Her friend laughed and added, “Remember when we used to apologize for having opinions?”
That exchange has been rattling around in my head ever since. Because here’s what struck me: these women weren’t talking about suddenly discovering confidence. They were talking about unlearning decades of behaviors that had been holding them back. The kind of behaviors that so many of us are taught from the moment we hit adolescence—behaviors designed to make us smaller, quieter, more acceptable.
After diving into research and countless conversations with women who’ve hit this same turning point, I’ve discovered they all have something in common. They stopped doing specific things that most of us never even question. Things we perform so automatically, we don’t realize they’re performances at all.
1) They stopped apologizing for existing
“Sorry, can I just squeeze past you?” “Sorry to bother you, but…” “Sorry, this might be a dumb question…”
Sound familiar? I used to start half my sentences with an apology. It wasn’t until a colleague pointed out that I’d apologized three times in a single meeting—for nothing—that I realized how reflexive it had become.
Women who’ve found their confidence later in life have universally ditched this habit. They’ve stopped apologizing for taking up space, having needs, or expressing opinions. One woman told me she keeps a tally of unnecessary apologies, treating each one like a swear jar. “You’d be amazed how often we apologize for things that don’t require apology,” she said.
The research backs this up. Studies show that women apologize significantly more than men, not because we do more wrong, but because we have a lower threshold for what we consider offensive behavior. We’ve been conditioned to smooth over every potential ripple, even ones that don’t exist.
2) They stopped making themselves smaller physically
Remember being taught to cross your legs, keep your knees together, not spread out too much on public transport? I spent years automatically condensing myself into the smallest possible space, whether in meetings, on planes, or even in my own home.
Confident women over 60 have reclaimed their right to physical space. They sit comfortably. They stand with their feet planted. They gesture broadly when they speak. One woman described it as “unfolding”—literally allowing her body to take its natural shape instead of the compressed version she’d maintained for decades.
This isn’t about being inconsiderate. It’s about recognizing that we have as much right to exist comfortably in space as anyone else. The physical act of taking up space actually affects our psychology—power posing isn’t just corporate nonsense, it genuinely impacts how we feel about ourselves.
3) They stopped moderating their voices
How many times have you heard yourself or another woman say something, then immediately soften it? “I think maybe…” “I could be wrong, but…” “This is just my opinion, but…”
Women who’ve embraced their confidence have stopped this verbal shrinking. They state their thoughts directly. They don’t raise their voices at the end of statements, turning them into questions. They’ve stopped prefacing expertise with disclaimers.
I noticed this pattern in myself after my mother, the guidance counselor, pointed out that I was undermining my own writing by constantly hedging. “You’re an expert in your field,” she said. “Why are you asking for permission to share what you know?”
The shift feels uncomfortable at first. We’re so used to softening our edges that speaking directly can feel aggressive. But it’s not. It’s just speaking.
4) They stopped prioritizing everyone else’s comfort over their own
This one hits close to home. I spent years maintaining friendships that had expired, attending events I dreaded, saying yes when every fiber of my being screamed no. All to avoid the discomfort of potentially disappointing someone.
Women who’ve found their confidence have flipped this script entirely. They’ve recognized that constantly prioritizing others’ comfort at their own expense isn’t kindness—it’s self-abandonment. They say no without lengthy explanations. They leave conversations that drain them. They choose their own peace over someone else’s convenience.
The guilt that comes with this shift is real. We’re taught from childhood to be accommodating, to smooth things over, to keep everyone happy. But here’s what these women have learned: you can’t pour from an empty cup, and more importantly, it’s not your job to be everyone’s cup.
5) They stopped explaining their choices
Why don’t you have children? Why did you divorce? Why are you still single? Why did you leave that job? We’ve been conditioned to provide detailed explanations for every life choice, as if we need approval from some invisible committee.
Confident women over 60 have mastered the art of the period instead of the comma. “I didn’t want children.” Period. “The marriage wasn’t working.” Period. “I prefer being single.” Period.
They’ve realized that not every choice requires justification. Not every decision needs to be defended. Your life choices are valid simply because they’re yours. The exhausting performance of constantly explaining yourself to satisfy others’ curiosity or judgment? They’ve taken their final bow on that show.
6) They stopped dimming their achievements
“Oh, it was nothing.” “I got lucky.” “Anyone could have done it.” “I had lots of help.”
Recognize these phrases? I do. I used them constantly, deflecting compliments like they were attacks, minimizing accomplishments the moment anyone noticed them.
Women who’ve embraced their confidence own their achievements. They say “thank you” when complimented. They share their successes without immediately crediting everyone else first. They’ve stopped pretending their hard work was accident or luck.
This isn’t arrogance—it’s accuracy. Acknowledging what you’ve accomplished isn’t boasting; it’s stating facts. But we’re so trained to be humble that we confuse self-recognition with selfishness.
7) They stopped performing emotional labor for free
Being the office therapist, the family mediator, the friend who always listens but never gets heard—sound familiar? We’re expected to be emotional support systems, available 24/7 for everyone else’s crises while keeping our own struggles tucked away.
Women who’ve found their confidence have resigned from these unpaid positions. They’ve stopped being the default problem-solver for everyone around them. They’ve learned that “that sounds really hard” is a complete response, and they don’t need to fix, manage, or absorb everyone else’s emotions.
They still care. They still support people they love. But they’ve stopped the performance of infinite emotional availability that leaves them depleted and resentful.
Final thoughts
The most radical thing about these women isn’t that they found confidence—it’s that they stopped performing the lack of it. They recognized that so much of what we call “being a woman” is actually just learned behavior designed to keep us small, quiet, and convenient.
The beautiful irony? In stopping these performances, they haven’t become less feminine or less caring. They’ve become more themselves. They’ve discovered that the confidence was always there, buried under layers of apologies, explanations, and accommodations.
You don’t have to wait until sixty to start this unlearning. Each small act of taking up space, speaking directly, or saying no without justification is a step toward the confidence that’s already yours. It’s not about becoming someone new. It’s about stopping the exhausting performance of being someone you’re not.
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