Growing up, I remember sitting at the dinner table while my mother complained about how much she’d sacrificed for us kids. “You have no idea what I gave up for you,” she’d say, stabbing at her food with her fork. It wasn’t until years of therapy that I realized this wasn’t normal dinner conversation. It was one of many phrases that revealed my parents simply weren’t emotionally equipped for the job they’d signed up for.
When parents aren’t ready for parenthood, they leave linguistic fingerprints all over their children’s memories. These phrases, repeated throughout childhood, shape how we see ourselves and relationships long into adulthood. If you heard these eight phrases regularly growing up, you likely had parents who were struggling with their own unresolved issues while trying to raise you.
1. “You’re being too sensitive”
Have you ever wondered why you struggle to trust your own emotions as an adult? This phrase might be the culprit.
When parents regularly dismiss their children’s feelings as “too sensitive,” they’re essentially saying those feelings don’t matter. A child who’s upset about being teased at school doesn’t need to be told they’re overreacting. They need validation and support.
Psychologists call this emotional invalidation, and it teaches children that their internal experiences can’t be trusted. As adults, these children often second-guess their reactions to everything from workplace conflicts to relationship red flags. They’ve been programmed to believe their emotional compass is broken.
The reality? Kids aren’t “too sensitive.” They’re just feeling things, which is exactly what they’re supposed to do. Parents who weren’t ready for the emotional labor of parenting often used this phrase to avoid dealing with their children’s very normal, very valid feelings.
2. “I never wanted kids anyway”
This one still makes my stomach drop when I remember hearing it during one of my parents’ fights before their divorce. Even said in anger, even if they “didn’t mean it,” these words leave scars.
Children have an incredible ability to internalize blame. When a parent says they never wanted kids, the child doesn’t hear “I made a choice I wasn’t ready for.” They hear “You shouldn’t exist.”
Parents who say this are usually overwhelmed and lashing out, but that context doesn’t soften the blow for a child. It reveals a fundamental lack of emotional regulation and responsibility that characterizes unready parents. They’re making their children responsible for their own life choices and regrets.
3. “You’re just like your father/mother”
Said with that particular tone of disgust, usually after the divorce papers were filed. My mother would say this whenever I questioned her decisions, turning a normal trait into something shameful.
This phrase weaponizes a child against their other parent and themselves simultaneously. It forces children to reject parts of their own identity to stay in the good graces of the speaking parent. They learn to hide certain behaviors, interests, or personality traits that might trigger this comparison.
Parents ready for parenthood understand that children are unique individuals, not pawns in their relationship battles. Using a child as an emotional dumping ground for resentment toward an ex-partner shows a complete lack of boundaries and emotional maturity.
4. “After everything I’ve done for you”
The guilt trip special. This phrase turns basic parental responsibilities into debts children can never repay.
Feeding, clothing, and sheltering your children isn’t a favor you’re doing them. It’s literally the bare minimum requirement of parenthood. Parents who constantly remind their children of these “sacrifices” are keeping score in a game the child never agreed to play.
This creates adults who feel guilty for having needs, who apologize for taking up space, who believe love always comes with strings attached. They’ve been taught that care is transactional, that they’re inherently burdensome, that they owe their existence to someone else’s grudging generosity.
5. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
The threat behind this phrase is clear: your emotions are inconvenient, and violence is an acceptable response to them.
Children cry because they’re overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, or hurt. They lack the verbal skills and emotional regulation to express these feelings differently. Threatening them for crying is like punishing them for bleeding when they’re cut.
Parents who use this phrase are essentially saying, “Your distress is less important than my comfort.” They’re teaching children that emotions are dangerous, that expressing pain leads to more pain. These children grow into adults who bottle everything up until they explode, or who shut down entirely when faced with emotional situations.
6. “You should be grateful”
Usually followed by comparisons to children who have less, as if trauma is a competition and someone else’s worse situation invalidates your pain.
Gratitude can’t be forced through shame. When parents use this phrase to shut down complaints or expressions of unhappiness, they’re not teaching gratitude. They’re teaching children that their problems don’t matter, that they’re not allowed to struggle or want better.
A friend once told me she couldn’t talk about her anxiety as a child because her mother would immediately remind her about starving children in other countries. She learned to smile and say everything was fine while secretly falling apart. That’s not gratitude; it’s performance.
7. “You’re the reason we fight”
Nothing quite prepares you for adult relationships like being blamed for your parents’ marital problems as a child.
Parents who weren’t ready for parenthood often can’t distinguish between correlation and causation. Yes, having children adds stress to a relationship. No, children are not responsible for how adults handle that stress.
When children internalize this blame, they become adults who take responsibility for everyone else’s emotions. They become chronic people-pleasers, convinced that if they just behave perfectly enough, they can prevent conflict and keep everyone happy.
8. “I can’t wait until you move out”
The ultimate expression of parental regret, counting down the days until their “burden” is lifted.
Children who hear this learn they’re merely tolerated, not wanted. They grow up feeling like guests in their own homes, always aware they’re on borrowed time. Some leave as soon as possible and never look back. Others stay too long, desperately trying to become wanted before it’s too late.
Ready parents understand that raising children is a long-term commitment that doesn’t come with an expiration date. They don’t make their children feel like temporary inconveniences waiting to age out of the home.
Final thoughts
Recognizing these phrases in your own childhood isn’t about demonizing your parents. Most were doing their best with the tools they had, fighting their own demons while trying to raise children. But acknowledging the impact of these words is the first step toward breaking the cycle.
If you heard these phrases growing up, you weren’t raised by bad people necessarily, just people who weren’t prepared for the emotional complexity of parenthood. Understanding this distinction can be the difference between carrying their baggage forever and finally setting it down.
